so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
