OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
