It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
