Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
