i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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