You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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