I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
