it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
