Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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