haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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