My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
