Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize