dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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