OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
