I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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