I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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