i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
