Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
