The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
