I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
