We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
