it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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