please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
