Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You are a booty call, not a friend.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
