He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
