don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I queefed so loud it echoed.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
