I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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