i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
where does the pee come out of this thing
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
