i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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