I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I cannot find my penis.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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