If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
