I'm really into asian looking animals
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize