if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
