And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
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