The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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