Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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