I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
