i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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