You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
