my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize