dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
