You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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