My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Hippo gnu deer
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
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