i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize