I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize