my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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