You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
