i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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