to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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