I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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