She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
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