you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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