he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
