The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
