I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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