my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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