he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
