my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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