Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I can tuck mytits in my pants
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
