I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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