You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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